I don't wanna watch this. Change the channel.
When were you appointed dictator?
When you were in the bathroom. There was a coup.
- Where's the remote? - I don't know. You have it.
No, I don't.
Why can't we leave it on top ofthe TV?
What's the point in having a remote if it's on the TV?
So, at least we'll know where it is.
Honey, this is silly. J ust get up and change the channel.
You get up.
Tell me why
I love you like I do
Tell me who
Can start my heart as much as you
Tell me all your secrets and I'll tell you most of mine
They say nobody's perfect Well, that's really true this time
I don't have the answers
I don't have aplan
But I'm mad about you, baby
So help me understand
What we do
You can whisper in my ear
Where we go
Who knows what happens after here
Let's take each other's hand
As we jump into the final frontier
I'm mad about you, baby
Yeah
I'm mad about you
You know what this city has you don't find elsewhere?
People come up to you on a bus, tell you you're Wayne Rogers...
then yell at you for leaving MASH.
Amazing how these people find you.
- What's going on here? - Have you seen my other sock?
- What's it look like? - Remarkably like this one.
It's gone. It's missing.
Well, it's a sock. Where could it go?
To the kitchen. Very often, they get hungry.
I've looked everywhere else. Check the cupboards.
- Foryour sock? - Yes, I'm looking for a sock.
You've figured out the game; now help me play.
Here's a thought. Put on another pair ofsocks.
-These are my lucky socks. -Looks like your luck has changed, babe.
Ifwe had someone come in here and clean this place once in a while--
- I'm not having this discussion. - Why not?
Because we're not getting a maid. What? Do we live in a mansion?
No. A pigsty. You don't clean and I don't clean.
So why should some poor person who has no stuff have to come clean our stuff?
So they can afford to go home and buy their own stuff.
Then they'll have so much stuffthey'll have to get somebody clean their stuff.
It'll be a whole vicious cleaning cycle thing.
What about restaurants? People serve you there. It doesn't seem to botheryou.
Actually, it does. I feel very bad for people who have to wait on me.
And well you should.
-Why don't we clean the place ourselves? -We've tried that. Remember the chart?
That was an accident. It got too close to the stove.
- I don't wanna live like this anymore. - Well, I don't wanna get a maid.
Well, you don't have to. I already got us one.
- You already got us one? - I did. Yes.
- Without talking to me about it? - Wejust talked about it.
- Yeah, but I said no. - Well, I already hired her.
- You're unbelievable. -J ust one day a week.
But what was the point ofdiscussing this?
You're right. That was wrong of me.
Whatjust happened to me here?
- Honey, what are you doing? - What does it look like I'm doing?
I don't know. I never seen you do it before.
- I thought the maid was starting today. - She is. She'll be here at 8:00.
Oh, so basically what I'm noticing is we don't really need a maid.
Wejust need the threat ofone.
- That's them. - ''Them''? You hired a team?
It's not bad enough we're exploiting one person? Now we got two?
- Fran's bringing her. - Fran. What is Fran, her agent?
You know Fran. It's her maid. She thinks she owns her.
- Hi. Good morning. - Hello.
Did I tell you? Isn't she incredible?
Masha, this isJamie and Paul.
Paul,Jamie, this is Masha.
- Hi. I have a cousin named Marsha. - No R. ''Masha.''
If I had to choose between her and Mark, I don't wanna think what I'd do.
- Come in. - Masha.
- So where are you from? - Minsk.
Minsk proper or the suburbs?
- Minsk. - Minsk.
Please. And how long have you been over here?
Since I leave Russian Navy.
- Navy? She was in the navy? - You should see her make a bed.
You need a crowbar to pull the covers back.
- And this is Murray. - You're not afraid ofdogs, are you?
Well, as a girl, I kill wild boar with my hands.
Come, Murray. Come on.
That was a recreational thing or part ofcooking thing?
- Long story. - Well, tell us. I'd be curious.
Honey, it's not a cocktail party. I'm sure Masha would like to get to work.
I know I would.
- Masha work. - Fran shop.
I'm going to Saks. I'll share a cab with you.
Let mejust show Masha the environs.
Honey, listen. Honey, don't leave me here alone with her.
What's she gonna do? Tie you up and dust you?
I just don't feel right about watching her slave over me...
like I'm a big, fat potentate.
- So go in the other room. - Then she'll think I'm ignoring her.
-Then leave the apartment. -Leave some stranger to touch our stuff?
She can't clean 'em ifshe doesn't touch 'em.
- You're out ofoptions, and I'm late. - I--
J ust stay out of her way. She's a cleaning machine.
We got all the various products.
Mrs. Fran always uses everything extra strength, but I can work with this.
That's good. You're flexible.
My father was contortionist in Moscow Circus.
He could fold himself into a box.
So, okay. Would you like a cup ofcoffee or something maybe?
- Oh, I make coffee foryou. - No, no. Have you had breakfast?
Oh, I make foryou. For Mrs. Fran, I always make lunch.
- You know, you don't have to serve me. - I don't?
No. You're not my servant; you're my new friend.
Thankyou, Mr. Paul. I go scrub toilet.
- Is that you? - Oh, my God.
Do you believe what Masha did to this place? It looks incredible.
Pretty nice, huh?
You can actually see out the living room windows.
Did you know they finished the World Trade Center?
- Take a look. - That's your closet. There's a floor!
She organized my clothes by fabric.
All the hangers are uni-directional. I love that.
- I love this woman. - We do good work.
- ''We''? - My shoot got rained out, so I helped.
She even cleaned behind the piano. Look at this.
She moved it, but it's unbelievable.
How come you won't clean for me, but you'll scrub the place for a stranger?
- I don't have to impress you. - Yeah, well, it's working.
- Our bathroom smells like lilac. - Very good guess. It's sandalwood.
Masha makes her own potpourri.
- Did you know she was a gunner? - A gunner?
On a Russian destroyer. She enlisted when she was 1 6.
And she would've re-upped, but she developed some middle ear problem.
- Did you get her whole life story? - I enjoy people.
- Voilą! - Blue toilet water!
It's like a touch ofthe Caribbean right at home.
And then we all came home and cook it for Easter dinner.
Boar always stays better when you kill it yourself.
Forget boar. You should see my mother choke the life out ofa brisket.
- Would you keep your corners together? - It's okay. I fix.
So, Masha...
how old were you when you knew you wanted to clean?
What kind ofquestion is that? Masha doesn'tjust clean.
She's got a lot of interests: cooking, painting, artillery.
- Mr. Paul, you are too kind. - Please stop calling me Mr. Paul.
Sounds like I married into a fish stick dynasty.
Masha, how about some ofthat stroganoff for the road-ski?
- Wait. You can't get it yourself? - It's okay, Mr. Paul.
It's my pleasure to serve your friend.
I can't believe you got a maid. What are you, like, an adult?
Hey, hey. Don't ever call me that.
- What? - I gotta get going.
I promised my grandmother I'd take her to the Museum of Natural History.
- What a sweet guy. - It's the least I can do.
I'm in her will.
Here, Mr. Selby. Please to add milk when you reheat.
Oh, I don't cook. I'll probably just eat it on the subway.
There's a pretty picture.
Thankyou.
You are kind to be his friend.
Compared to you, Mr. Selby is stupid.
Well, you're a very perceptive woman.
Let me get that. You should be able to get going before the buses get crowded.
It's okay, Mr. Paul. You are too kind. You should not be doing this for me.
I'm just helping. All the heavy stuff, I leave foryou.
What?
You are different, not like men in my country.
I n my country, men are tough and hard.
And you are soft, like woman.
Did I mention that I wrestled in junior high school?
I once slammed a guy down so hard, I cracked his retainer.
- That's a true story. - I believe you.
Yeah, well, it didn't actually crack, but he lost it, you know?
And he got in all sorts oftrouble for that, believe me.
- Hi. - Hi, sweetie.
- Hi, Masha. - Hello, Mrs. Paul.
- I go now. - Wait a second, Masha.
I got a couple ofthose Hazel episodes forya.
- She said she was interested. - I will treasure them always.
All right. And, listen, thankyou very much.
- Good-bye, Mr. Paul. - Okay.
So, you and your little Baltic friend have fun today?
- Meaning what? - You do realize she has a crush on you?
Get out of here. Why would she be interested in me?
- That's a good point. - No. You think so?
No. You're crazy.
The minute you marry her, she's gonna stop scrubbing your toilet.
She never looked at me twice.
Is itjust me, or do the eyes follow you everywhere?
- Would you stop looking at that thing? - I'm sorry.
It's nice that she was attracted to me. I'm allowed to enjoy that, aren't I ?
- Within limits. - I think it's a damn good likeness.
She's obviously never seen your chest.
- Are you still looking for that sock? - I found it.
- I'm looking for the other one. - If Masha were here, she'd find it.
You should've thought ofthat before you drove her away.
- I drove her away? - She won't come back.
What did I do that's so terrible? I made coffee for her. I helped her clean.
- I fixed her shoes. - You fixed her shoes?
One shoe. Her left shoe. The heel fell off. I hammered it back on.
See? What do you expect?
What? I should've let her limp around? Vacuuming and limping? That's too cruel.
I have a very large bone to pick with you two.
- Won't you come in? - What did you do to Masha?
- Why? What did she say? - Nothing.
All I know is I lent you a perfectly good cleaning machine...
and she came back broken.
- She's broken? - For three days...
she has been moping around and crying her eyes out.
- Oh, that's terrible. - You're telling me.
My house is a disaster. Dishes piled to the ceiling.
Egg hardens as we speak. And I just know you have something to do with it.
- What could we have done? - We were so nice to her.
- We were almost too nice. - Maybe Mark said something.
- Maybe she's homesick. - Good.
What's going on here? And why do I feel like somebody is watching me?
- It's the dog. - It's the dog.
- We tell him not to watch people. - But he's a watchdog.
- What's with you? - No. Let's go make some cocoa.
No, I don't want any cocoa. And quit pullin' on me.
What are you doing?
I'm standing.
I n my apartment. I n my spot.
- You have a spot? - He loves that spot.
What? Doesn't Mark have a spot?
Not that I know of.
Honey, honey, honey. It's over.
- Oh, my God. - All right. Yes.
Maybe the woman had some feelings for me, but it's not my fault.
You know what I read somewhere? That Pledge is an aphrodisiac.
You toyed with the affections ofan immigrant.
For God's sake, I just hammered her shoe.
I don't even wanna know what that means.
I just know I lent you the best maid, and you ended up flirting with her.
I wasn't flirting! Would you please tell her?
- He was flirting. - I was not.
You were so. I know the way you talk to other women.
- What? How do you know? - Because I used to be one.
You get this throaty little catch in your voice, become all attentive.
Well, excuse me for not treating Masha like a serf.
A serf!. You treated her like a queen. You waited on her hand and foot.
Ifyou treated me that way, I'd be in love with you too.
I have houseguests from Jersey this weekend. What are we gonna do?
- What can we do? - Are you ready to give him up?
- Not yet. - Well, then, lover boy, it's up to you.
- What do you want us to do? - No, no, no. Not us. You.
I don't know.J ust rectify it. The woman is suffering.
What do you wear to break up with your maid?
Please. What can I do foryou? How can we make you feel better?
What do you want? You want a raise or shorter hours?
Make you feel more at home, we can get it colder in here.
Thankyou. I don't think anything can help.
No. You don't talk like that. You're an American now.
You gotta get that can-do attitude. ''I can do the kitchen.
I can do the bathroom.''
Or, you know, I can do it.
Yeah. Yeah. We're in here.
Hi, all. Look who I ran into, Masha. See?
- It's Mr. and Mrs. Paul. - Hi, Masha.
- How are ya? - Physically, she's fine.
She's just, uh-- She's lost her will to clean.
Well, Mark, come on. I wanna show you that thing I bought.
- What thing? - The thing.
Oh, the thing. Yes, because I'm anxious to see that, yeah.
Yeah. Looking forward to it.
So, Masha--
- Honey, don't you wanna see the thing? - I've seen it.
I just--
So, Masha...
I guess we kinda need to talk.
- Honey, could you help me in here? - I'll be right back.
- What? - The throaty thing.
- I'm not. - I'm telling you.
Fine.
So, Masha--
Masha, we heard that you weren't feeling that well...
and I'm sorry to hear that.
I think there's been, like, a misunderstanding.
And I'm not sure what happened.
It's just sometimes these things happen between a man and a woman.
Not that so much, but, look--
See, you don't really know me.
And I gotta tell ya, I'm no picnic, you know?
Because I can be really annoying and stubborn.
And exasperating, you know?
And what else?
Putty.
Excuse me.
- I'm putty? - Petty.
You're making this tough. I got a woman who loves me and cleans...
one who hates me and doesn't.
- I'm just trying to help. - Then go away.
- Excuse me. - No, no. Please excuse me.
I am sorry I caused all this trouble.
- You didn't cause any trouble. - Yes, yes. I am stupid.
Mr. Paul was kind to me, and I misunderstood.
- It's all my fault. - No, no. It isn't. It's his fault.
He doesn't mean to, but you know men when they get around attractive women...
theyjust do these things.
The throaty thing?
Exactly. They can't help it. It's a whole show they put on.
They do not realize the hell they bring to us?
Ofcourse they do. That's why they do it.
Even Mr. Paul?
Did he tell you his junior high school wrestling story?
Yeah. Twice. What is a retainer?
You know, ifyou two'll excuse me, I'm gonna go. I'm gonna look at the thing.
- He's one ofthe good ones. - You're a lucky woman.
Yes, I am.
Can I askyou one thing?
Have you seen a gray sock?